FOLLOWING THE SALTMEN

23 November 2023.

Hellenic League Division 1

Ciders on the Storm

There are a great many things which I don’t understand. I accept that and have come to terms with the fact that I am unlikely to ever appear on University Challenge. Most of the things I don’t understand have very little impact on my life (or if they do then I remain blissfully unaware). Yesterday, however, I met (no pun intended) one of my biggest comprehension foes: storms. I understand how storms are created, that’s not the problem. My main issue with storms is why and when it became necessary to give them names! It’s not like we name other weather phenomena. We do not have ‘Cloudy Afternoon Eric” or ‘Biting Frost Frank.’ We are not going to start sending Christmas cards to weather systems and it’s unlikely I will ever send them a text apologising for missing their birthdays. All I need to know from our esteemed meteorological advisors is whether a storm is coming; how bad it will be and if there is any point taking my new brolly to the match. I really don’t need to add it to my Contacts page.

But, if we absolutely must have names for storms why do we give them names like Bert or Katrina. For most people of my generation the name Bert conjures images of the Eric Cantona [expletives deleted] lookalike character from kids TV programme Sesame Street, rather than a devastating killer weather system.

Likewise, one of the century’s most violent and destructive storms was named Katrina. This storms cost many people their lives and laid waste to vast areas of south eastern USA, perhaps most notably in and around New Orleans. The careless naming of this storm almost certainly had a detrimental affect on the career of UK Eurovision heroes Katrina and the Waves!

If we are to accept storms are bad (and most people would agree) I would suggest it would be much more appropriate to name them after famous villains from history. Storm Genghis sounds much suitable than Storm Gabrielle. I would be much more concerned about the approach of Storm Adolf than Storm Annette. Perhaps Storm Keir could be reserved for the worst storm imaginable (assuming sh!tshowers are a recognised meteorological thing).

Anyway, persistent rain and strong winds associated with the tail end of Storm Bertie Werty Woo had placed this fixture in jeopardy but at 2.45, after a lengthy inspection, the referee decided the game could start.

Needless to say, the saturated playing surface was not ideal for neat, intricate passing football but both sides started in positive mode and it was clear that attacking football would be the order of the day.

Spa seemed to adjust to conditions the quickest and with only 5 minutes gone skipper James Lemon came agonisingly close to opening the scoring, only to see his effort just passing outside the post. Not deterred, the Saltmen took the lead only 3 minutes later as determined work from goalscoring sensation turned provided Alex Dugmore resulted in a low cross to the back post where goalscoring sensation Perry Moss was waiting to convert. Both sides had spells of possession with Spa creating the better of the chances. The Saltmen’s defence held firm and goalkeeping sensation Dom Rogerson thwarted the Rocks whenever called upon.

The half time break allowed the travelling Spa faithful the opportunity to harvest rice from the centre circle. When play resumed the second half belonged largely to the Saltmen after a bright opening by the hosts who, hampered by the conditions, spurned a golden opportunity restore the game to parity on 49 minutes. They were nearly to pay for their profligacy only seconds later when Alex Dugmore took the ball round the Rocks goalkeeper only to be struck in the face by a large piece of storm. This rendered the legendary frontman temporarily short sighted and his shot from a tight angle missed the target while two of his teammates queued up for the cross. Fortunately, we did not have to wait long for a second goal to arrive. Hampered by the conditions, some indecisive defending allowed goalscoring sensation Charlie Tilley two chances to beat Dykes in the home goal. Tilley’s first effort was blocked by Dykes but the rebound fell kindly and Charlie did the rest.

As the heavy underfoot conditions started to take a toll, Spa’s Managering Sensation Andy Crowther started to introduce substitutes to the game – with immediate effect. Cory Rudding sensation Cory Rudd returned to action after a three game lay-off and within 2 minutes was fed with a ball from Perry Moss. Rudd took a neat touch then unleashed a fierce drive from 25 yards which, hampered by the conditions, Dykes was unable to prevent making its way into the top of the net.

True to their name, the Rocks stayed strong and, but for a good save from Rogerson, could have narrowed the 3 goal gap.

Happy to trust his young bench, further substitutions were made by Crowther, which notably included a first team debut for Under 18s sensation Harry Griffiths who joined fellow youth graduates Joe Clayton, Woody Hawkett and Joe Hurdman on the field, further underlining how bright the future looks for the Saltmen.

The one sour note from an otherwise enjoyable game came late on when Rocks substitute Bezer, hampered by conditions, forgot not to deliberately and very obviously stamp on Spa’s grounded midfield goalscoring sensation Nathan Binner. This forgetfulness allowed Bezer first use of the soap.

Any away win is a good result. Winning by three goals away is even better. Doing this and keeping a clean sheet on a post-monsoon paddy field just ices the cake. My thoughts go out to the Tytherington groundsman. At three a clock the field was in great condition and looked like a very good playing surface, if a bit on the wet side. By five o’ clock, it looked more like a film location from Good Morning Vietnam.

Clearly, we did not see Tytherington at its best. I would expect the Hardwicke Playing Fields to be a great place to visit for an early or late season game. The friendly clubhouse bar sells an excellent range of drinks, including a very decent cider – brewed personally by Jeremy Clarkson!

Thanks to all at Tytherington Rocks for their hospitality and best wishes for the remainder of the season (except the return fixture of course.)

Another great turnout from the Spa support who braved terrible driving conditions on the M5, despite the real risk of postponement.

Back to Kingys next week when we face an in form Stonehouse Town side.

See you there!

Cheers

Steve